This has not been pretty. My sobs are the vomit inducing, snotty, ugly kind that I think scare the people around me. I am defeated and wounded, but mostly, I am entirely shocked by my inability to handle rejection. It is incredible how easy it is to listen to the enemy's lies once your confidence is shaken. Consumed by self doubt, I hear constant whispers that I am not good enough. If I had only worked harder...
This is not who I am. I am determined, a hard worker, a winner. What will people think of me now? The goal of nursing is so intertwined with my identity that I have fallen apart at my first stumbling block. Who am I, if not a nurse?
And there it is. My disgusting idol, staring me in the face.
How could I put my identity in something that could so easily slip away. Oh, how prideful it is to turn away from my Father and place my worth in my own ambitions. I am flawed and broken. Praise the Lord for loving me in my ugliest of sins. My heart desperately needed to be redirected and it took this giant slap in the face to get me there. I am so thankful for my God. He is still good, and He loves me.
I read Proverbs 3 roughly a thousand times and listened to Will Reagan's song, "Nothing I Hold On To" on repeat for about an hour until the words became true in my heart. "I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven."
I think one perspective that I am trying to focus on is the enormity of our Father. He is so much bigger than this situation. He's got it all figured out and I need to let go of my need for control. I keep getting an image of thumbelina in my head.
So what am I going to do? I have absolutely no idea. For now, I choose to abide in my Father. It is time for me to rest, for it is well with my soul.
